I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
