Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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