im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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