So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think i got beer on your cat.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
