I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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