Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's shark week go big or go home
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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