Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
