Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
