she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
