we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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