i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
