i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
