So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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