so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
