i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
