I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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