Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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