My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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