Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
