Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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