Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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