I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
