she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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