I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
