i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
