Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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