nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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