I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
