girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
