he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
