I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
