i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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