She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
