Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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