you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
