Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
