this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
