Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
