Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
