don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize