I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
