Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
