When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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