i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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