I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
