Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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