So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
