I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she peed on how many people?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
