highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
