I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
