I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
