You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
