I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
