I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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