My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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