i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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