standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Vodka?
Forever.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
