It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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