If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
