put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize