i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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