we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
