why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
