im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
