The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize