just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize