I want to walk on stilts...naked
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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