Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
