the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
