Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
