He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
