she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
