mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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