OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize