so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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