I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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